From West to East.

This blog entry is specifically for my mate Lucy. If you get bored easily from reading essays then please read no further. This will be her first trip to the city of lords and chimney sweeps. I jumped to the idea of telling her where to go, what to see, what not to eat etc etc.

London is as rumpled and comfy as old corduroy and as stylish and smug as the sassiest fashionistas.

But what a buzz fest. London is a city on the verge of a nervous breakdown yet so sated on its own glories that nothing seems to bloody bother it. At this European crossroads, you will find the mad pace and the musty masterpieces a perfect contrast. Just when you can't take another minute of London's twitchy streets, you can slip into some spectacular ancient hall and, like Sherlock Holmes himself, spend an afternoon seeking Anne Boleyn's bones. Or, more festively, you can take a day and just sample the pubs, which are everywhere, a drinker's dream. Pubs, Britain's version of Starbucks, are like chatty little lighthouses placed strategically around the city, drawing folks together.

Sorry to gush, but there is much to recommend here to those who haven't been. You can ride the river, admire the views from that crazy-slow Ferris wheel, wander the markets till your knee bones click -- how British indeed. Pick your passion. Indulge your pleasure centers. Take a million photos. Around every corner in London, you will find another intriguing attraction. During the changing of the guard, for example, the regimental band suddenly brakes into "Dancing Queen" by  (your favourite band) Abba. I kid you not, kid.

It is whimsical, odd and wonderful, much like London itself. My voyage to the motherland in late April was filled with such moments. I always love how unconventional everything seems, the authenticity of most sights, the lilt in the locals' voices. Note, anyone with a British accent is 20% hotter.

Here is your first-timer's guide to many of the things a wide-eyed American traveler needs to know to enjoy an initial visit.

Hello London!

This city, which you will learn very quickly, moves elbow to elbow, jowl to jowl. It's about 2,000 years old, so its interior streets are best suited to bony supermodels and sleek Italian scooters, of which I am neither.

There is, fortunately, great mass transit above and below the pavement. To rent a car here would be a form of self-torture. If you take one thing from this blog, please let it be this: Never, ever rent a car in London.

To get your bearings, defintiely start with a basic half-day tour aboard a lumbering Evan Evans coach bus. Sounds like hell, I know, and on occasion it could be , all crunched in there, a sea of strange after-shaves. But for a quick London briefing, the four-hour tour will prove worthwhile. You will hit many of the major sites and monuments such as Piccadilly, Parliament, Westminster, Downing Street, Trafalgar Square and finishing at the mall that leads to Buckingham Palace.

Better yet and more dynamic is the hop-on, hop-off trip, the Original London Sightseeing Tour. This is more free-form, less a cattle call. The Original London buses make dozens of stops on a circuit around the city's sights, and a two-hour Thames cruise is included in the price.

The guides make the tours. One will tell you Lord Nelson's body was brought back from battle in a barrel of rum. Another will tell you it was a cask of brandy. But the punch line is always the same: Much of the rum (or brandy) was missing by the time the ship returned, the sailors dipping into it on the way back to port. Some say it was a sign of how much they revered their leader. I say it was a sign of thirst.

In any case, here's to you, admiral. Cheers!

Getting Around.

The first time you look at the map for the London Underground, or Tube, you'll think you are studying the wiring grid for a fax machine. The color-coded subway routes have few reference points. Where's Big Ben? Where is that Thai place in Soho?

No worries. London has subways instead of freeways. They reach almost everywhere and can make getting around relatively easy. And like the freeways, you start with a few main ones, then branch out. By the second or third day, you will feel like a local.

Several things you should know about the Tube:

1. The Piccadilly line takes you to and from Heathrow, though on a virgin visit with lots of luggage, it might be best to take a shuttle or a cab.

2. The Circle line, which dates to 1884, is the main line to most tourist sights. Once you learn the Circle line, you can get anywhere.

3. A pay-in-advance Oyster card allows you to hop on and off the subway and buses and is cheaper than paying cash each time. Put $30 on the card in advance and you won't have to think about it for days.

Lessons Learned?

To appreciate London, you have to soak up more than just its malty beers and spicy curries. Here is a primer on the city's history, in 200 or so (thanks to wikipedia) words (because to a Brit, 100 words is merely a dependent clause).

Romans founded London between 50 and 200. It quickly grew as a trading post along the Thames and also was the target of horrific raids by Vikings and Saxons (Germans).

In 1066 William the Conqueror led an epic French takeover, known as the Battle of Hastings, a key date you might retrieve from that little attic in your head where you store birthdays and huge historical events.

A series of odd monarchies would follow, led by piggy-eyed folks with a weakness for adultery and several Hitchcockian tendencies. After beheadings, for instance, they would occasionally sew the head back on (Charles I, for one).

Other stuff: In 1215, the Magna Carta was signed, a precursor to our Declaration of Independence. In 1815, Wellington stopped Napoleon in his tracks, preserving the empire. In the 1940s, German bombers torched much of the city, particularly along the river, which glowed with moonlight and beckoned the pilots. The '50s-era buildings you see today are replacements for those destroyed.

Oh, I suppose I've left out a few things. There was this guy Shakespeare, who changed the language, and Charles Dickensalso walked these damp, wonderful streets -- as did London's most famous creep, Jack the Ripper. To this day, London is a restless troupe of actors and writers, wits and anarchists.

One last note: Every church seems to have a dozen geniuses buried in the basement.

What to see?

To me, Westminster Abbey, Buckingham Palace and the Tower of London are "musts", as is a day prowling the streets around Leicester Square.

Where to start? Grab one of the free Londontown.com maps (the best you will find) at the info booth adjacent to the TKTS ticket outlet in Leicester (pronounced "Lester") Square, and head off in any direction.

Here's one daylong stroll, along bustling Charing Cross, that will offer a big, heaping dose of London attractions. Start at the National Portrait Gallery in Trafalgar Square, where the Tudor wing will help you brush up on your Henry VIII. Next door is the National Gallery, less stirring, but a must for art lovers.

Time for some fresh air, which you can get at your next stop along Charing Cross. At Leicester Square, you can pick up half-price theater tickets on the day of the performance.

For lunch, grab a beer at Harp's, a friendly little boozer brimming with locals (at William IV Street and Chandos Place, just off Charing Cross). Order a half-pint and an O'Hagan's sausage sandwich and head upstairs to the pub's Victorian sitting room. Take a table next to the window and watch London pass.

From Harp's, take the 20-minute walk to Oxford Street, a dense, jittery shopping district, then left on Oxford to Regent Street, which leads down to Piccadilly Circus -- more great shopping. Don't miss the huge Hamleys toy shop (188 Regent St.) or the Ferrari store across the way, where you can pick up a Ferrari lawn mower.

If shopping's not your bag (which I reckon Danovic will get bored of), head two blocks east to Carnaby Street, a touristy pedestrian mall that has pubs on almost every corner. Start at Shakespeare's Head (look for the Bard in the second-floor window) and then take 50 wobbly steps on to O'Neill's, where hundreds of patrons spill out on the sidewalk telling stories loud enough to wake William Blake.

By now, it's 6:30pm and you ought to think about a quick bite before the theater, for which you purchased tickets earlier.

After a day of walking, treat yourself to a taxi. There's something right about arriving at a London theater in one of those little black cabs, a bobby's helmet with wheels.

Where to eat?

Oh, I dunno... Grab a spicy curry or a delicious kebab from those fishy Turks. I promise you won't be disappointed.

Suddenly Glendale will seem a little snoozy.

ENJOY!!!